Highway to the Deadzone
by lupercial
Summary: Archer once again finds himself waking up in an unfamiliar location. But this time he's not hung over or seducing the head of the DGSE's daughter. He is in the top secret Weapon X program and he's got an important job to find out where the hell he is, who the hell he is and most importantly why there is so much fan art of him and Spider-man!
1. Chapter 1: Dafuqs going on?

*Cough* alright this is video log one; my name is Sterling Archer.

I have no fucking clue where the hell I am or what goddamn episode of Disney's latest after school special I just woke up to. I do have a camcorder though so…

One of my therapists used to say that it helps to get your feelings out in someway or another so that you don't do something passive _something something I don't remember._ Anyway I remember getting someone called Woodhouse to fire him, or maybe I just set a wooden house on fire I don't know. But the guy who was just in here said that it helps to record thoughts so- aw who am I kidding this is the dumbest thing I've ever… well I got nothing better to do so here we are. Actually as I already said I don't _know_ where we are, well where **I** am. All I know is that my name is Archer and I am in a small room. Oh and on the door is written: X nopea? Goddam glass. Oh Weapon X. Huh.

God I'm a complete mess I've even got voices in my head telling me about some sort of highway to a zone! Whats up with that?

~END VIDEO LOG ONE~

Video log two: they've moved me to a new area of the facility. I gotta say if I wasn't losing my shit before I certainly am now. They keep drugging me and hooking me up to all these machines. Gotta say it's some real 'Fire in the Sky' stuff. Weird how I can't remember anything but totally insignificant bullshit right? That was rhetorical...Because you're an inanimate object. Anyway this place is creepy as all hell, like there is this real ugly guy in the cell next to mine who keeps copying my movements. I heard the guy who keeps drugging me talking in a Swiss accent so I can safely assume that I am in either Switzerland, Germany, France Canada, Italy or any other amount of countries I can't think of. Fuck. Well I guess at least I can rule out intelligence as my occupation. Oh hey it's the Doc. And friends, oh they brought the friendly needles too.

~END VIDEO LOG TWO~

Video Log three: Nothing much has changed with regards to my current situation. Although the guy in the cell next to me started talking, to me or himself either way he's more entertaining than the voices in my head. Yeah he's got some real wack theories on the whole sitch, thinks we're in a secret superhuman research facility in Canada. Not sure whether I believe him or not I mean these guys don't seem polite enough to be Canadian. Then again when your whole world is turning upside down who's to say that there couldn't be rude Canadians? Doctor Killebrew, oh I found out that's his name, right?! I mean what James Bond movie did he get his name from? Anyway KB said that I show real "potential" and that there would be "elimination trials" whatever that means. It's weird. Hopefully "elimination" means I get to leave this weirdo place, and trials means I get to hone my sweet dirt bike skills. Ya Know I got a good feeling about tomorrow.

~END VIDEO LOG THREE~

~Video log four~So as it turns out me and KB weren't really on the same page with regards to the whole trials thing. They took me to a large concrete pit area, like a dank drained pool. They threw me in with all manner of freaks like the guy next to my cell. There were people with spikes coming out of them, people with blades for hands, blue people red people you name it. They forced us to fight each other until only one was left, and I'm still here so I guess that's good? It was strange I mean obviously I don't have any memory of learning how to fight but it was as if my muscle reflex had a memory of it's own. I killed them all. In the last fight I was up against a guy who, I shit you not, had freakin lazer eyes! He fired them right at my head and I remember blacking out. Then I woke up on the cold concrete floor and he was facing towards Doctor Killebrew so I snapped his neck. They moved me again and this time I have a long mirror across one wall. I figured out why my old cell neighbor wasn't at "trials" today. I am not nearly as handsome as I assumed I was.

~END VIDEO LOG FOUR~


	2. The (Not So) Great Escape

**Sorry for the wait guys I guess I got a bit distracted and forgot about this. Anywho here is the next installment in Archer's great adventure.**

Video Log five: My time spent at creep island (I assume this to be an island) has been shall we say less than pleasant so far. I would say that the food has been rather poor, the service moderate at best (please ask before druggings in future) and don't even get me started on hygiene. So far I have been shot, stabbed, comatosed, electrocuted and beaten up. I'd rate it 4 out of ten, would _**not**_ stay again (the 'not' part of that sentence being both underlined bolded and italicized). Based on these things I have decided to vacate the premises as soon as possible. From the window in my door I have scouted the premises and deduced that step one of my escape should involve opening the door and taking out the guard stationed there, shouldn't be too hard, then I don't know I guess I'll just improv. the rest of the plan on the way. This place can't be that big right? I suppose if I am successful in my escape I'll just have talk to myself seeing as I won't have this camcorder anymore. So from now onward when addressing someone I am talking to my brain. That's right brain I'm talkin to you so stop slacking and think of a way outa here ya idiot! In fact "Brain" I am giving you till the count of 30 to get me the hell outa here!

30 Seconds Later

Wow that was impressive brain, almost like I'm some sort of highly trained agent with genetic enhancements or something. What's not so impressive is that this isn't an island at all, it's a peninsula! I mean if I wasn't complaining before I definitely am now. Hijack this stupid helicopter all for nothing.

"What?!"

"Nothing, just shut up and keep flying this thing or I swear to god I will shoot certain parts of your anatomy right off!"

"Hey man don't lose your shit all 'ight. These guys don't pay me enough to lose my dick over-"

 **Blam!**

"Aieee!"

"Oh god dude I am so sorry. It's just with the helicopter and I guess you were being kind of-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SHOT MY FUCKEN DICK OFF YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Geez no need to be a pill about it here move over I'll drive."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Opps."

Eh he was getting annoying anyway, eww seats all sticky.

 **This was a short one but I hope you liked it anyway. :-P**


End file.
